All the big guns want an iPhone killer. Even I, mad for all things Apple as I am, want an iPhone killer. I want smart digital devices to be as good as mankind’s ingenuity can make them. I want us eternally to strive to improve and surprise. Bring on the iPhone killers. Bring them on.

I have, over the past twenty years been passionately addicted to all manner of digital devices, Mac-friendly or not; I have gorged myself on electronic gismos, computer accessories, toys, gadgets and what-have-yous of all descriptions, but most especially what are now known as SmartPhones. PDAs, Wireless PIMs, call them what you will. My motto is:

I have never seen a SmartPhone I haven’t bought.

Labels: Humor, iPhone, PDA

So Apple has finally posted a page on the iTunes Store that explains the all-too-complicated and restricted process by which iPhone customers can make (and pay twice for) ringtones. Here's what it looks like:

But what's that I spy at the bottom right of the page? Yep, it's some ringtones Apple has synced with their iPhone: "Imperial March" (John Williams, from "The Empire Strikes Back," an excellent song for a ringtone), and "Like a Rolling Stone," presumably the Bob Dylan version, since Apple CEO Steve Jobs is such a huge Dylan fan:

Let's go find them in the iTunes Store and make some ringtones!

First... Imperial March, er ah... hmmm....

Curious. It's not available as a ringtone. Now why would Apple use that in their example? Surely, we'll have better luck with the Dylan song. I mean, Jobs loves Dylan.

Huh.

This time, you can actually buy a song with that name, assuming you want the versions by The Rascals, The Young Rascals, or Dino, Desi, and Billy. And who the heck wouldn't?

Long story short, this whole ringtones thing remains a joke one week later. Obviously.

Labels: Humor, iPhone

Early adopters of the iPhone weren't the only ones receiving in-store credit from Steve Jobs. In an overlooked announcement, Jobs said that early adopters of the Apple Lisa would be receiving a $7000 in-store credit.

Apple released the Lisa in January of 1983 for $9,995, and the similar Macintosh was released a year later for $2,495.

"I've felt bad about people who bought the Lisa for a long time. Anybody who bought one of the first Apple Lisas really got screwed," said Jobs. "Now that we've got some cash, I think it's about time we made it right."

Analysts think that Jobs could be setting a bad precedent which could cost Apple millions. "What about Newton owners? Apple III owners? This could quickly get out of hand," said industry watcher Devon Scanlon from Goldman Sachs.

Labels: Apple, Humor, iPhone

Labels: Humor, Internet, Microsoft

Labels: Humor

If your biggest gripe with Apple's flagship media player is that it refuses to make voice or data calls on anything but AT&T's wireless network, you're officially free. But the price of freedom, in this case, is either a very steady hand and soldering iron, or a willingness to send money to Australia in exchange for a "Turbo SIM," delivery date unknown. Of the two methods, I prefer the third: Buy a real phone. Following an exhaustive comparison of alternatives, I have overwhelming backing for my early conclusion that iPhone is vastly outmatched by several devices in its price class.

Labels: Humor, iPhone

Labels: Humor

Labels: Humor

[On July 19] on the earnings call, Microsoft announced that Zune has achieved our goal of one million units sold in, as well as Microsoft earning over $50 billion in annual revenue. We actually went above and beyond our goal: we sold 1.2 million units.

Labels: Digital media, Humor, Zune

Labels: Humor, iPhone

Apple is set to release the much-hyped iPhone Friday, June 29. Here are some of its most highly anticipated features:

Nanotechnology enables it to reassemble itself when thrown against wall

Exclusive link to Google Street View so you can watch yourself using your iPhone at all times

Takes Polaroids

When moved from hand to ear, makes Lightsaber sound effects

Prominent Apple logo

Reproduces through asexual budding

Has way, way more PRAM than the last thingy

Comes with an iPhone hat, so people know you own an iPhone during the brief periods you're not using it

Labels: Apple, Humor, iPhone

Labels: Apple, Humor, iPhone

A failed real estate speculator who created a popular Web site touting his exploits has begun threatening to sue his critics and claims to be in hiding in Australia.

Casey Serin, arguably the world's most-hated blogger, rocketed to Internet stardom after disclosing his pending foreclosures, marital strife and unwillingness to find a job. But the 24-year-old's online fame was hardly flattering: it arose from legions of readers who call themselves "haterz" and frequent his iamfacingforeclosure.com blog to ridicule his financial missteps and urge Serin to pay back up to $420,000 he is said to owe creditors.

Labels: Humor, Internet

Labels: Humor

I CAN HAS VAR?
an introduction to the basics of computer programming using LOLCODE
Caturday June 16th 2pm - 7pm
registration + laptop + beer offering required

Have you been waiting for an introduction to computer programming? How about an introduction to computer programming using a code-syntax based on the grammatical fantasies and malaprops of adorable cats? Your wait is over!

Email m@machineproject.com to reserve your spot now. Space is limited.

Confused? See our FAQ below.

Labels: Humor

Labels: Humor

Labels: Apple, Humor, Mac, Microsoft, Vista

Apple has been criticized by some environmental organizations for not being a leader in removing toxic chemicals from its new products, and for not aggressively or properly recycling its old products. Upon investigating Apple’s current practices and progress towards these goals, I was surprised to learn that in many cases Apple is ahead of, or will soon be ahead of, most of its competitors in these areas. Whatever other improvements we need to make, it is certainly clear that we have failed to communicate the things that we are doing well.

It is generally not Apple’s policy to trumpet our plans for the future; we tend to talk about the things we have just accomplished. [Did anyone else spew water on the screen when they read that? I did. --Paul] Unfortunately this policy has left our customers, shareholders, employees and the industry in the dark about Apple’s desires and plans to become greener. Our stakeholders deserve and expect more from us, and they’re right to do so. They want us to be a leader in this area, just as we are in the other areas of our business. So today we’re changing our policy.

By 2010, Apple may be recycling significantly more than either Dell or HP as a percentage of past sales weight.

All the e-waste we collect in North America is processed in the U.S., and nothing is shipped overseas for disposal.

We apologize for leaving you in the dark for this long.

Labels: Apple, Humor

Labels: Humor, Personal, Vista

Labels: Humor